Now that I was out the little fella saw me and he made elaborate actions as if beckoning me to follow him, he was so cheerful so in contrast to my dismal surroundings that I was almost magnetically attracted to him. He injected hope and happiness into me although interspersed with large doses of anxiety about where he might lead me….. But listening to my heart, not paying heed to the words of caution my brain uttered I followed him.
Thus began the journey of a year, my heart to the brim with hope & pleasure, my brain constantly warning. I started rowing my boat, following the little birdie, following him blindly on the waves thro the ups and downs he took me on……. Slowly, haltingly at first, but my strokes grew faster & steadier as I gained more confidence in the little fella, his fragile yet sturdy self, his belief in his actions ,the strength in his little body & on the whole in all the pleasure he was giving me…….
But the little fella strong as he was wasn’t entirely independent he used to seek refuge in my tiny shelter during the dark hours and the storms which rocked our world. He needed the warmth and cosiness that I could provide.
Thus, our lives went on, riding the waves and seeking each other. Months had passed since that beautiful day in the beginning but as time passed questions and doubts crept into me, my brain finally overpowering my heart in the turbulent war the two had been waging against each other thro these months. I wondered where the sparrow was taking me, wondered if I’d made the right decision?
Then one day after weeks of growing apprehension, he stopped. The day had dawned bright and windy, a beautiful day indeed. I saw that the sparrow was hovering over the sea at a certain spot. I could sense restlessness in him, impatience about him as he tried telling me something. He was flying back &forth repeatedly from the spot to the boat he seemed to tell me “This is it! This is the spot” but again my apprehensions, the ghosts of my past made me unable to react to him. The lil fella tried and tried till his fragile little wings bled from the exertion, it was as if he knew i’d eventually relent. Then I did!
I rowed my tiny boat to the spot he was indicating in the mighty ocean, and to my astonishment he plunged into the water, wanting me to follow. But I being as cautious as ever was hesitant to follow suit. The poor little sparrow broke the surface gasping for air, pleading with his eyes for me to follow. Unable to resist his plea I jumped into the water. There I saw it just a few strokes away amid the brilliantly coloured coral a handsome gold trunk filled with the most brilliant gems I’d ever laid my eyes upon, the most precious treasure ever. Dazed by the brilliance when I turned to look for my faithful companion, I became witness to a horrendous scene. My sparrow was being noiselessly attacked and swallowed by a giant shark which I figured must’ve been attracted by the blood from his wings.
My eyes filled with tears which threatened to drown the sea, blinding me. I thrashed and I fought the blue monster around me trying to reach the shark and save my sparrow. But… no!!! The deed was done. The real treasure of my life was gone! Gone forever and for good!
Despair filling my heart I felt my whole body go suddenly cold and water filling my mouth and nose ……..there was suddenly light and a strange noise. I opened my eyes it was mom she heard me shouting in my sleep and had come to check…. I’d been having a nightmare!!
A day of utter despair. Mind buzzing with thoughts some beautiful, some haunting, and some depressing. Words playing games with me…. Words which once brought happiness to me, words which now sound all false, all lies coated with sugar.
The first ray of relief from these haunting thoughts was listening to the skanda shashti kavacham, a religious song about the hindu god karthikeyan by the soolamangalam sistas. This song sung by two old ladies with not so beautiful voices and lyrics that are written in a tamil that is long forgotten by most. The song with lyrics that literally go ri ri ri ri ri… moga moga moga moga….digu digu digu digu…. Dungudingukku. A song that sounds like a mixture of greek,latin and Icelandic.
So where does the happiness come from when I listen to this song? Is it because of the bhakti I hold for this god? Na I am not religious, does it stem from the meaning the lyrics impart nope not at all it sounds like the most weird mixture of unknown languages to me. So where does this feel good factor of the song emanate from?
Hmmm… I think it must be my own association of the song with childhood. Memories of my mom’s embrace. My sis on mummy’s lap and me on her back, mom rocking the two of us to the rhythmic beats of this song. Her sweet smell and her soft skin lolling me to sleep. Aaaaaaah wot an euphoric feeling even to be thinking about those beautiful days.
Wish I could rewind back to those days of blissful innocence in mom’s arms. Protected from all the world’s evil under her caring presence. Love u mom…. Miss u! Not only because I am a thousand miles away from u in BNE but because I have grown, grown farther from u and grown in age.
So, moral of the story it is from the within…. From deep within my heart, deep within my well of comforting thoughts.
The third of october 2008, my first blog. Prodded on by a mystery woman... one that i met at UQ.
hmmmm... its a routine boring day of my life in BNE. A day in the middle of my mid semester break. more boring than any other. actually im in the mood to get up n do lots n lots of work i dunno wot though!
So here we are the 5 of us sitting together trying to get all the household chores sorted out and allot a person to each of those and i am sitting to the side filling up this page. A Although trying to give some valuable input to the planning :).
Awrite now i need buzz off to the kitchen. Need to cook today's lunch.
signing off with thoughts of yummy food.........
